dolL * 39 - lockeD

it's was 2 months ago
when she last saw him at the party
same black and white checkers shirt
wearing on both of them
they were quiet in the crowds
till the moment before she left
her night was brighten
when their line of sights met

he looked sallow
she hopes he doesn't overload himself
still there is someone worry for him
friends said it's a happiness thing to be with him
but why their story doesn't carry on smoothly
like the fairy tales that she read

the nights he came into her dream
the moment her tears dropped
she knew that her heart still remained for him
she wished to stay in the dream
stay in the flash been with him
stay in his warm hugz
his existence drove her the energy to move on
turned into a doll that can be with him all the time
feeling want to stay in his world
though she knew it's hard in real
her heart is locked
he is the key
to unlock the chain

dolL * 38 - tearS

she thought that she is numb
she fake a smile so he won't see
been trying hard
overlapping herself with endless works
in her heart
looks filled, yet an empty space was left out
it's all just an illusion
that cheating other people
and herself

she looks like normal as usual
but once a single click that reminds her of him
it melted..

when she found out that was him
the missing piece of puzzle in her life
knowing that he's exhausted of his work
her tears juz dropped itself on her face
silently
realized that she still love him

her mind is blank at the moment
she hopes that he is doing well
with her unspoken wishes
she wonders if he knows
he's the reason for the tear drops on her guitar
the only thing tat keeps her wishing on a wishing star
the only one who's got enough of her to break her heart
he's the song leading her into her dream
he's the time taken but there's never enough
she doesn't know why she does
she's going to get some sleep tonight
nothing gonna change

dolL * 37 - irreplaceablE

she's getting a heart without feeling
even when she's walking into the crowds
she feels that she's walking alone
finding herself in the grassland
with the losing bliss been searching for
she always keep the smile that he likes

if their love could carry on
promises that always sleep her tight
but wake her up with disappointment
still she believes that
the fairy tales might turn real into life

whenever her tears falling on her face
she wipes it off with the hand that he held before
feeling of missing him never end
she would never stop by all this way
she has been loving him

there is always changes in life
fate that meant to be
even can make two parallel lines meet
no matter how tough is the journey
worse thing can be heal to become better
as she knows nothing or no one is perfect
she juz cant tell how good he is
but he's juz irreplaceable

21th...

21/6
it was supposed the date of their trip to KL
but they didn't make it
and his sudden decision of putting down the relationship
she couldn't believe all those words came from him
she tried to controlled her tears in front of him
but she fell apart in her car
when she called to the close friend
she was upset till she couldn't even breathe the air
her tears couldn't stop from dropping
her mind was messed up all
that was the worst day she has had in her life
she wished there is a place she could hide
to release all her messed up feelings
where no one could get her
--------------------------------------------------------
21/7
she just got to changed her rim
which she wanted desperately for so long
but she felt that the excitement is being replaced
while longing one thing for too long
wonder if it's really belongs to her
she started missing the original rim
which have been used all this while for 2+ years
maybe it's just the matter of time to get used to it

it's same like she has been like him for years
and her wish of if he is her boyfriend one day
was just like a dream
and never expect it could come true
when he was finally belonged to her
yet the strong feeling of missing him like crazy
has turned into another forms of caring
feeling of fullness fills the gap when things is imperfect
emptiness comes over the board when things is just perfect
-------------------------------------------------------------
21/8
this was the week in between both of their bday
14/8 & 28/8
------------------------------------------------------
21/9
3 months apart from that day..
2nd day of Raya festive celebration
the wedding day of his good friend

she sat on the beach at damai puri
felt the smoothness of the sand through her fingers
looked up to the sky
the lively scene on the beach with crowds
but did anyone take in the serene on the other side of the sea as concern?
who knows things can just happened in seconds like tsunami
no one can predict how much the gain and lose
so cherish every moments before it's too late
and it's never too late
--------------------------------------------------------
21/10
... ... ...

28.08

she had a birthday wish

she wished she could spend her bday with him
the only birthday wish she made
that is the greatest birthday present for her
which neither a money worth present
nor an formal dinner could replace it

the moment he replied her msg
can't hold the tears of excitement
she can't wait to see him again
on her special day

sitting in the cafe with their Memories
the emergence of all the old times
reminded her of time was flying
since the day he walked into her life
the fairy tales lived her life
no doubt she ever upset and cried
but she always believe
Love is not love,
until someone receive it..
she can't tell how much she miss him
worries of he has enough rest
taking care of his health
doing well in his job
filled up her mind
she will take care of herself for him too

she wonders
if the fairy tales is never real
she would rather stay in it
to be his princess forever
would it be a rainbow appears
in the silent night
after the heavy rain pour?
雨后宁静的夜晚会有彩虹吗？

Paper & Pen

dolL * 36 - unknowN

she was watching drama in her room
the character in it reflected herself
conversations that meant to her
same things that she would worry and do
she just felt herself in the story

the invitation to his birthday
she has no word to describe it
definately she was happi that
he took the initiative
but yet she felt anxious
a stranger that she known
familiar yet unfamiliar
he treated her as usual like how they were been
sparkles of the stars twinkling
cold and warm switching on and off
sometimes he cares, but sometimes he's not
it's just like a storm came after the sun
she doesn't know how long could she stand
she just worried
she would fall into sickness
would it always be a rainbow after the rain?
she prays and wishes..

no doubt she wished she could know the answer
but she didn't ask anything about it
bcoz she gives a face
she feels the answer like the air
that she breathe in
yet it untouchable but she needs it
she wished he would tell her
she has been doing all this for him
without knowing the reasons why
her heart was driving her all the way
she wished she could know the status

worries and worries always filled up her mind
seems that the worries has overcame her cares
maybe the feel of longing has faded
without realizing
when their time was covering by works and problems
she's trying to find it back
the feeling that she has been lived with it for years
she doesn't want to lose the special one
bcoz she loves him deeply
plz stay at the corner that she can feel your warm
she will never go away
no matter when it rain or sun

14.08

the day she has been waiting for
she just hopes to do something special for him
on his special day
every year 14th of August
is a day that more important than her own birthday

things happened before is bothering her
as it's been a while they didn't see each other
her mind was bare
till the night before she talked to the friend
she gave her idea to gather all his friends for a hang out
and celebrate for him
she offered to help to contact them too
she really thanks her with her heart
*thanx siowei*
*hugz*
^-^

she didn't want to let him know that is her plan
she just wants to surprise him
without any expectation
he sms her trying to ask her
if she can go for his celebration
her tears of excitement dropped
for taking the initiative
she didn't know whats in his mind at that moment
she felt worth for what she has done for him
she promised she will go
to the party that she planned
her mind was full of twist and turn

no word can describe her feeling
when he walked towards her
and sit beside her
the subtle feeling just so real
sitting beside him is a happiness thing
to see his smile in front of her again
is the biggest comfort to her
having fun thru the night
they sang him bday song when the cake was served
bday trick was on after he blew the candles
passing chocolate piece from his mouth to hers
putting all the cream on his face
and made her to lick it off
first time she did it for his bday

she hopes he would like it for the night
with a card that she specially edited for him
he looks happy when he looked at those pictures
old picture of him that she kept for years
other than "happy birthday"
she didn't write any word in the card
it's all the pictures of their story
she lets the pictures to do the talks in her heart

she hopes this birthday is a different and special one
yet he knew the plan before the night end
he told her that he never had this kind of birthday before
this is meant to her
without finding out the status
she has loved him from the start
and she never change her way to love him
she hopes it last

dolL * 35 - wisheS

another week to go
planning to sketch all her feeling out
into pieces of paper
and color it
couldn't find a word to describe her feeling
drawing will do the talk
on the day itself
14.08

the haze outside her window
makes her hardly breathe the air
and the affection runs through her soul
hating it could go away
she wishes he didn't go away

maybe she hates that for the thing he didn't do
but she loves the thing he has done for her
hate makes her loves him more
she hates that she loves him
she wishes he doesn't get sick of this weather

she wishes she could photoshop on
their memories of fleeting
all the flashback
won't leave her alone
she wishes he could come back to her

nothing she can change the past
she couldn't change the habit of calling him pig too
she just wishes that he would listen to her
side of the story

dolL * 34 - clicK

weather changes its mood like crazy
rainy ending given to a hazy hot day
it just like her life
miss-adore-cherish-lost
pulling her up to the hills
and
pushing her down to the vale
it's never easy to take it alone,
it's even harder when it's two
beliefs and supports make her survived
she appreciates to those accompany by her side
while she's struggling
"Life is life photography, we all developed from negatives."

the air has a weird smell
but she couldn't feel anything in it
hardly breathe the air
probably her feeling has been arrested
she is breathless

keeping herself like nothing ever happened
though she knew she's not
just a little thing around
could always remind her of him

meeting her friend of friend
listening the same name calling around her ears
staying at the same area that she familiar with
brought her to the time and place where they've been
a call from his friend
colors that she wears
the road that leading to their destination
places that they used to eat together
everywhere she goes draws his shadow

it all clicking the red button in her heart
raising up all her veiled feeling
that buried in her heart
it never disappear
just a little thingy
will unveil all of it
*12 more days to his bday*

dolL * 34 - adorE

another day has gone
wishing him doing well everyday
though they are apart from each other
still she is here to stay
she will never say goodbye
just want to let him know
he is not alone
for she's always here with him

she miss his voice and the way he talks
the touch of his hand on her hair
the warm hand holding her with him
that always recharge her to full
he's always in her heart
she wants to hear from him
--------------------------------------------------------
he is just different
from those like to act perfect
talk candies and make donuts promise
in front of their girl..

without realizing how good he is
instead of confessing his imperfections to her
blocking her from being too good to him
but it couldn't stop her passionate of adoring
she will just stay with him silently
to feel him in her heart

she only feels herself real
when she's with him
she's not a pretentious type of girl
she never hide her adorableness
to the prince deep in her heart
though she is independent and walks confidently
but he didn't know the best thing he did is
he has won her heart
the patient to reads her words
the granting of their relationship
makes her believes in his authenticity
no one else will do this for her
in this world
-------------------------------------------------------------
she made up her mind
she will not go away
no matter how tough it is
no one else can be replaced
the special and only one in her heart
the charming star that she could see in the darkness
though he felt himself is nothing
the missing piece that she found to complete her life
she wants him to be her chef forever

probably too much space been given
leading them to the points apart from where they clicked
a distance of emotionless
had obstructed the passion from growing
problems and stresses had overcame his feeling
made him into pokerfaced
but the habit of caring for him
hardly get rid from her

just the other night
she thought she's tough to be on her own
occupying herself into bunch of works
only sleep can rest her mind
that always getting her into emo mode
still she prays for him everyday
hoping that he is fine
missing him madly
down to the core of her heart
she only feels adored when she's emo
你是我生命中的 最捨不得...

dolL * 33 - shadoW

she's counting down the days
to his birthday in one month
she still remember what she did for him
on his last birthday
she made a very special present for him
he felt her heart and sincere in it
her dream came true
because of him

she's not a drama queen
and she doesn't want to feel in this way
but she's just the way she is
her love to him will never change too
she doesn't know if it's a beautiful disaster
or a timeless castle in the sky
her tears drop on the withered rose
if the smell would come back again
or it only can be recalled in her memories
he confessed all his imperfect to her
she bear it all
yet she won't just leave him
their memories still alive in her heart
everywhere she go portraits the shadow of them
she feels him everywhere

it has been years she has him in her heart
she lives under his shadow
she will never learn how to put him down
even he made her cries and broke her heart
he picked up her happiness
yet he wanted to put it down
she believes in her sense that
he loves her too
he did
just his feeling has been concealed
in the situation that he's having at this moment
without he realized it

there's perfect only in his imperfections
for love to be true between her and him
she hopes time can give them a revive
to let the charm of love come back to them
she doesn't regret things that she has done
but the things she didn't do
when she had the chance
she doesn't regret to love someone
that really means to her
he's still the one that she loved for

dolL * 32 - serenE

every words that he told her that day
keep on repeating in her mind everyday
every single moments..

she doesn't angry or get mad at him
she is just trying to soothe her mind
and getting herself to analyze the situation
she gives him time to rest himself
as well as herself..
maybe he needs some time and space
to spare himself out of the frame of stress
problems that he has in his life
she doesn't want to be his burden too
if it's not happy, it's not the end
it's just the beginning of their life..

she has tried her best
to put herself into work this two weeks
but still she feel empty in her heart
worse than she didn't get to see him
she cant explain the feeling
she just knows that she feels real in herself when be with him

now the princess got lost in the jungle
and cant find the way back to her castle
cold wind and loneliness couldn't fear her
yet she doesn't move a step from the spot
bcoz she loves the nature of the jungle so much
and wish he can accompany her to live in the jungle together

during this period he thought that he knows it all
but this will only send her to misery
she never thought that need him there when she cry
she counted the days she has left him alone
everything that she did reminds her of him
and she loved the things that he did
she didn't go away
she just hides and thinks
she will not go away too..
the words that she need to hear
to always get her thru the day
she miss him..

dolL * 31 - difficultY

2 days ago.. it was 21/6/09
he said he wanted to tell her something
important about their relationship..
at that moment she already guessed what is he going to say
she just couldn't believe it
this day could happen..

he chose not to tell her in front of her
bcoz he didn't want to see her sad face
he scared to be nervous and didn't what to do
but she couldn't control herself
she wrote down her feelings on a small piece of paper
her brain was not working suddenly
and drove to his house
they talked in the car for an hour
she tried to calm her feeling down and talked to him
she didn't want to let her loved one to see her cry also
but still her tears can't stop dropping down
crying in her heart

she knew he always has his own thinking
she also has her determination
he chose to let go bcoz he felt that she deserved for better
he has too much stress and problems at this moment
and hardly have time for her
yet he felt more guilty when she always treat him nice
and been so patient to him
he just felt like to put down his mind
and live with the problems in his life
without involved her in
she disagreed with it
bcoz she couldn't leave him alone with all this
she felt sorry for didn't realise that
her love has given him so much pressure
till he really can't tolerate with it
to make this decision which he didn't want to
he hoped this will be more fair to her also
as he didn't want she feel sad when he always overlook her
which made him feel unfair to her
just bcoz of his selfishness

but for her..
she really can't let go of him
as he is the only one she loved for
she has loved him deeply in her heart
she hopes he doesn't give up for their relationship so easily
instead she only want to share with him all his pressure
take this as a care in life
and that will be the best way for her

after the argue of both determination
she didn't blame him for anything
but she get to know and understand him more than she did
she couldn't have the ability to fly anymore
she just wan to stay by his side
be his companion
and face the problems together
she hopes he can give each other a chance
let her walk into his world

dolL * 30

*8/6/09*

it was a wonderful day
even she still need to go to work as usual
but her mood was brighten up
when she's going to meet him
had lunch together after he finished work
he stirred her drinks for her before she finished her food
she use tissue to stop the water on the table
from dropping onto his leg
she wanted to buy him a hand cream
as his hand always got hurt during work
wearing the same purple pant together
a little action that showed
cares and loves
which are more than words

maybe no one understand this dream of them
they know just how difficult it is
but things will be different once they hold hands
thats what they been thru
she doesn't care how it's done
every single little thing that she did for him
she really meant it to him
she gonna be with him
and gives her hand to him
to fold her heart

*Purpled loVe*

28.05.2009
from this moment..
she hopes to be with him
for the following every 100th day
in their life..